Food Writing Fall 03

IS BIGGER BETTER?

I live in a 300 square ft. apartment in Manhattan. My so-called “kitchenette” is composed of a 2-burner electric stove, and no oven. My mini-fridge actually serves as a mini-bar and moonlights as leftover condiment purgatory. Armed with a toaster oven, an industrial strength microwave, a trusty George Foreman grill, possibly a Cuisinart, and my trusty double burners, I technically have the tools to crank out big flavor dishes out of my teeny kitchen. Size of kitchen apparently doesn’t matter, and in fact, it’s almost a merit badge for hip chefs to cook in a miniscule kitchen; after all, Gabrielle Hamilton whips up many a culinary masterpiece from her mini EV resto Prune, as does Frank P at Frank, that dude at Punch & Judy.

But why on earth would I take the time or effort, when there are 10,000 restaurants in New York City? Why would I eat alone? Most importantly, why on earth would I want everything in my home – my sheets, my rug, my sweaters - to smell like garlic or bacon or fish filets?

My kitchen was clearly designed to boil a kettle of tea. Therefore, I eat out every night. This past week was a particularly expansive and culinarily adventurous week, as I had to travel for work.

They Call This Food?

AOL Corporate Cafeteria

22200 Pacific Blvd – CC2

Dulles, VA

The economy of scale kills the ecology of flavor. In Economics 101, you learn that once you have the tools and the people and the place to make widgets in place, the cheaper it becomes to produce more widgets over time.

If you’re making a huge quantity of the same food, the same theory applies. Once you already get a grill in place, and the lady with the hairnet and the gleaming cafeteria to serve food, the cheaper it becomes to produce more food over time. Sadly, there appears to be a quantity:flavor ratio disconnect - the more food big cafeterias crank out, the worse it tastes.

The brand spankin’ new company cafeteria at AOL Headquarters in Dulles, VA cranks out every imaginable thing a hungry employee could even dream of eating, from apple sauce to ziti. However, the flavor and texture between dishes are virtually indistinguishable.

How can food be so BIG and be so flavorless?

How can there be so much of it, and why is it that I am not compelled to eat it?

The Salad Bar boasts so called healthy options for the dieting, the same folks who walk out of their home to their car, parking lot to work building, then reverse.

Feta

Chick peas

Tofu

Green Beans

Asian Noodle Salad

And an array of creamy and oily dressings to ruin your diet.

1. Burger – He didn’t ask, but I asked the grill man for medium rare. I got a hockey puck.

2. French Fries – Thick skinned steak fry of a nugget of hot carbs, virtually flavorless, satisfying only insofar as knowing that you are indulging in a guilty pleasure.

3. Spaghetti & Meatballs. Water and oil separating, Standard flavorless meatball falling apart due to length of time spent cooking, meat sauce (not to be confused with a Bolognese – this is definitely canned sauce with meat in it)

4. Soup of the Day: New Orleans style Chicken Gumbo with Okra and Andouille. Grease in a bucket.

5. Pizza – Crust thicker than the average NY Sicilian, cheese crusted ¼” thick. Looks like Pizza Hut, but tastes worst than store brand Frozen Pizza.

6. BBQ Sandwich – Pulled beef which had spent some time stewing in a mysterious and sugary BBQ sauce, hiding underneath a seeded sesame bun.

BEST DISHES Salad Bar, Cheeseburger, Pizza, Spaghetti and Meatballs, Soup of the Day, Turtle Brownie.

PRICE RANGE
CREDIT CARDS Cash Only
HOURS Daily, 7:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m

NOISE

Haute Snack

Jack’s Luxury Oyster Bar

246 East 5th St.

East Village

212-673-0338

I just spent $100 on a snack.

Jack and Grace Lamb walk in and out of their restaurants, which are situated across the street from each other.

Delicate dollhouse

Thai silk curtains.

Like being in someone’s home.

People must walk out with the Laguiole knives all the time

Toasted Pecans with Sugar and Cayenne

Amuse Bouche: Quail Eggs and Chive

Raisin Pumpernickel Toast and Cheddar and (Red) Spread

Oysters 6 Ways $14

Foie Gras with Candied Fig & Dressed Greens $14

Poached Lobster, butter (something puree sauce, chives)

Nicholas Feuillat Champagne $10

Heitz Chard $12

Alsatian Pinot $8

BEST DISHES
PRICE RANGE
CREDIT CARDS All major cards.
HOURS Daily

NOISE

The Old Standby

P.J. Clarke's
915 Third Avenue

Midtown

(212) 317-1616.

After bad road food and a $100 snack, I crave something simple. At this point, affordable and familiar is just gravy.

Eric Asimov of the NY Times said that you don’t go to PJ Clark’s for the food. The man’s got a point: you go for the atmosphere. The new owners, who include Philip Scotti, of Dock's Oyster Bar and Sarabeth's fame, and Timothy Hutton, the actor, have taken painstaking care to keep the spirit of the old-school American saloon alive. You go to hang out on a bar stool with a Con Ed repair guy to your left, a woman in a sable coat to your right, perched on wooden barstools at the very same beer-soaked mahogany bar. There could be a Con Ed repair guy still in uniform to your left, maybe a woman with patrician cheekbones in a sable coat to your right, both at the very same beer-soaked mahogany bar, under the tin ceilings, with its hard-earned nicotine patina from a hundred years of pipe and cigar smoke.

You really go to eat a burger ($7.80) and the greaseless shoestring fries ($3) in a room with beveled glass, worn wood floors, red-and-white checked tablecloths, and pictures of old-timers on the walls. You might also go for the raw oysters ($1.75 to $2 each) shucked by some dude wearing a skull cap at the raw bar, which you slug down with a pint of Guinness.

The burger is perfect. The meat is juicy, literally oozing with grease and flavor. The bun is soft. I’m a purist, I like hamburgers without any accoutrements, but plenty of folks dig the bacon cheeseburger, the so-called Cadillac of Cheeseburgers (as once coined by Nat King Cole). You will not get lettuce tomato or a pickle unless you ask your friendly, long-aproned server. My only complaint might be that the onion, a stinking surprise found underneath the burger itself, is cut too thick. In the dining room, the burger is served on a salad plate, at the bar, on a paper plate!

The PJ’s burger reminds us that bigger is not better – this is not 12 oz. of beef slathered with sautéed onions and mushrooms served on a Kaiser roll next to a mountain of soggy fries, that you might find at a sturdy burger joint. The PJ’s burger is small, flavorful, and manageable. It is sustenance when you are ravenous after a show, a perfect accompaniment at the bar with a beer and the ball game on TV, or an antidote to a hangover.

For those who diet, Caesar salad ($7.50) is flimsy, wilted yellowed romaine, laden with anchovy laced dressing. The Cobb Salad, sadly, is composed of dry grilled chicken, slices of avocado, diced red onions, chopped hard boiled eggs, crumbled bits of bacon, and bleu cheese, on a sorry looking bed of iceberg lettuce.

Turkey Club ($10.95) is a classic hotel-style triple decker, with thick–cut roasted turkey and crispy slabs of bacon, and unremarkable mayo, lettuce and tomato on 7-grain toast. Their steak ($24.85 hangar, $32.85 rib-eye) is decent, though I’m not sure why you’d order a steak when a burger would meet a meat jones. My favorite dessert is a wedge of coconut-lemon cake ($6.85), fluffy and sweet, and innocent.

This is not the place to try to tickle your palate. I just like knowing that I can show up at 3AM and order ½ a wedge of iceberg lettuce, shrimp cocktail, and chopped steak. I’ve magically landed at PJ’s for brunch, lunch, dinner, or at 3AM for a hamburger fix after a night of boozing. No matter when I show up, the hamburger is consistent and arrives on my table in 8 minutes flat. Plus, being a regular and all, the hostess lets me sit anywhere I want.

BEST DISHES Bacon cheeseburger, Turkey Club, Caesar salad, Cobb Salad, oysters, steamed mussels, coconut-lemon cake.
PRICE RANGE Appetizers, $4.25 to $9.75; main courses, $8.10 to $32.85.
CREDIT CARDS All major cards.
HOURS Daily, 11:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m, kitchen is really open until 3:30!